Reflections

The other day I took a bike ride. I took it to an unfamiliar place, and treated my journey as a gravitation towards some sort of worldly understanding. 

But what does it even mean to understand the world?

No body has the same view of the world, each person has their own personal perception of reality. Every person sees the world in a different light.

Along my bike ride, and in the distance, I saw the perfect spot to reflect. It was on a picnic bench behind a church, overlooking a lake. The weather was perfect with a fall coolness to the air, and the sun creating shadows under trees.

I sat down on the bench and closed my eyes. I began to feel, hear, and smell what was around me. I reflected upon the breeze which grazed my cheek, the sound of children playing in the yard beside me, the smell of the rich oak trees mixed with water flowers. I designed a masterpiece in my mind of what I would see once I opened my eyes. 

And just as my eyes saw the trees reflect against the water and the light breeze send gentle ripples towards the shore, I began reflecting on how every move I make is a reflection of myself and where I am going. 

This masterpiece, this sliver of time captured in a picture had more to say about life than anything else at that very moment. 

I continued to watch the birds fly over the water with such ease and familiarity. Flying above with clear view of their afternoon snack they dive into the water. Graceful in flight, and peaceful by nature, the confident creature captures the very object of its current affection.

Flowers and trees surround this beautiful masterpiece of nature as serving as spectators to an amazing gift. Seemingly lonely and of not much use, they grant beauty and individuality to the picture. Pleasing to the eye and so scientifically imperfect the structure and color they add is what makes it complete.

Just as the young squirrel sits upon the shore daring not to dip his feet in the water, does the lonely man sit upon the shore of life, watching as the world passes by. Chilled by the breeze creates fear and anxiety in what he sees. He closes his eyes, and develops his own masterpiece.

For he, though now afraid, will grow to be strong. Because he sees the world from the outside. 

He accepts his own reality, he understands the nature of his perceptions, and he steps in the water without fear of what comes next.

Moving away from the "supposed to's", and realizing the "what are's"

I graduated from college close to three months ago.

 And I am somewhere I was never supposed to be. So, how exactly was it supposed to be? 

Funny thing about expectations is, they will usually let you down. Having expectations that demand the involvement of other peoples opinions, actions, decisions, and/or advice, will ultimately fall short, because the only person that you can have expectations for is yourself. You only have control over yourself. You can do everything in your power to be a certain person and to live a certain way, but as life goes...nearly every one of our actions is countered by an opposing interaction which involves the impact of an outside force completely out of our control. 

So when you set yourself up for the disappointment by keeping your desires on a pedastool, your desires eventually fall. Sometimes the fall is hard and fast, but with a little control and understanding, you can swipe up the fragility of your dreams and find a way to deal with the fall without serious repercussions. As you watch your dreams fall, slowly off that shelf you kept them on all these years, that you worked so hard to keep nailed to the wall by continuously controlling every single situation you could, a sense of urgency, fear, and anxiety formulate and multiply within you. 

I worked the past four years in a daze of misunderstandings. I worked hard, and I did exactly what I should have done, I did exactly what I was supposed to do. I made it happen, the education, the experience, the solid foundation of a career that I knew I would be happy in, and passionate about. I lost myself in it. And I don't regret it, not by a long shot. I learned more about myself than I could have ever imagined. I found myself in a flurry of passion for what I did, and where I was going. I feel fortunate, I found my niche, and I found it early, I committed to a vocation, and a lifestyle that I could build upon. 

I am only 23 years old, and I know where I want to be, I know that when I do find that job that is going to jump-start my career, that I am going to be happy.

So what did I misunderstand about this passion? 

What was missing from my seemingly complete life? 

Honestly, I have asked myself this same question again and again, and it wasn't until recently that I found the answer. The finding of this answer, as I have found through a lot of things in my life was painful. I lost control of my life, and through losing control I lost myself. 

It was the day I realized that I was nothing more than a typical college graduate, I wasn't anything special, still stuck, still searching, still lost and trying too hard to be found. 

Like I said, I don't regret the way I have lived my life thus far. But I do regret placing myself in the frame of mind that I had control over everything. 

Because there is only so much I can do. I can say all the right things, get all the right grades, have the perfect understandings and it could still not be enough. 

I have made decisions that have got me here, there is no doubt about that. And in the mourning period, where you feel useless you second guess every decision you made. I am a woman of God, and through this period of uncertainty, I became stronger in my faith. But there were still questioning. "Should I have left Florida?" "Should I have tried harder?" "Did I lose focus? 

Questioning composes understanding, which develops into a cure for doubt, and helps you see more clearly.

There are still times when I question, when I let myself fall back into an abyss of uncertainty and misunderstanding. But through my faith, through my questions, through the constant support of the people surrounding me I have found truth, and ultimately I have allowed myself to see the value in this period of uncertainty. 

I may not be exactly where I should be. I might be broke, and unemployed, but I am not lost. I see opportunities for growing even in this time where I feel stuck professionally. So I guess that is what this blog is about. Its about me, about my virtual lack in control of what comes next. And the reevaluation of the things I can control right now. 

I believe God is giving me this time off. I see it as a gift rather than an obstacle. 

I have spent so much time so intensely focused on my career that I have wanted and worked towards so fiercely in the past couple years. So this gift, is letting me take a step back and immerse myself in my other passions, that have always been a part of me, but perhaps have not exemplified themselves as dominantly in my personality as the career woman in me has. 

There is this creative, passionate, caring, and communicative personality inside me that has helped me be so successful in my career thus far, but from a personal perspective I haven't had the chance to create those parts of me that will live on in me despite the demands of the workplace. 

Its true, I have written, but mostly, I think I have neglected the writer in me. I have seen my family, but I haven't taken the time to know them. I have known I loved music and singing but I never took the time to investigate that facet of my personality any further than purely superficially. 

I have a different dynamic than I have allowed anyone to see most recently. I am much more complex. So I am taking this time to develop all the other parts of me. 

So that, when the time comes for me to take my dream job, I am more fulfilled, and ultimately more complete and comfortable with myself.